Plenty of Freaks


So.. I almost don’t have words for this latest shitty internet date.


Am I missing something? Have I typed in the wrong HTML? Have I somehow joined plenty of fucktards instead of plenty of fish?


I really think it’s time I wrote a book. You can’t make this stuff up – from the guy who cried to the guy who told me he was suicidal (at the beginning of our date you smart asses.)


The latest was a woman hater. Good god even worse he was some judgemental, generalising xenophobe. He ‘hated all Irish’ because they were ‘pikeys.’ Umm okay. Bit stereotypical I venture ‘ no they really are – they steal, they pillage – one came into my bar with a crowbar, he wanted to smash some girls face in’ did he say that? ‘No I could just tell.’ Okay then.


He asked me what I did for a living and I answered and then mentioned my siblings and asked if he had any ‘woah, I’m trying to listen to you and wasn’t expecting all these questions.’  I asked him if he had any siblings, and the age difference. That was it.  Are you close to you sister?

‘Yes. Ish.’ Then later in the conversation he tells me she’s a ‘cunt.’  I find this abhorrent seeing as I’m so close to mine, and pretty strong language for a first date.


We start talking about men and women and the difference. I say women need a reason to have sex and men just need a place – a great quote from city slickers which I totally believe to be true. He says that he’s read a study and women in tribes hump all the men and so women are actually more whoreish than men. He’s lost me of course, because he’s talking utter nonsense.


He is then telling a story and stops because ‘he’s distracted.’ By what? I ask. He laughs. Then he looks really serious and tells me I made a gesture that communicated to him that I was ‘bored.’ What did I do? I ask. He’s not telling me, he wants to see if I do it again. Right.


‘I don’t like being quizzed’ he says later in the date.


‘I wasn’t quizzing you’ I reply ‘ we are strangers and the way to get to know each other is ask each questions – that way we learn about each other.’


‘No you really were quizzing me mate.’


MATE. God I can’t stand this. I’m not your mate. We are on a date. I don’t even call my own friends  ‘mates.’ I choose to ignore this however.


Then he says he’s defensive and this is because all women are shit because we are deceptive and lie about everything. Keep in mind he said he had a degree – (he didn’t,) and that he was 5 ft 10 – (he wasn’t,) so we have a whingey  guy who’s also a big fat hypocrite – my bloody favourite!


He then tells me he can recognise a sociopath  and  ‘it’s the same as a psychopath,’  I tell him it’s not the same and try to explain – he says the lines are blurred. I ask him if this is the point he tells me he’s a sociopath. He looks me dead in the eye and pauses. (Too long if you ask me) he then says no, but he’s worked for one. Convincing stuff eh.


He goes on about hating being quizzed and tells me he gets quizzed all day in his job – he’s a Barman. I suspect they aren’t actually quizzing him but probably just asking for their drinks – maybe he’s reading too much into ‘recommend any good spirits, mate?’ He then says he’s tired and he’s worked today and I’ve done fuck all so it’s fine for me to be ‘mentally alert’ whereas he’s ‘exhausted’ – like he’s the only guy on the planet who ever worked a Sunday.  What the actual fuck.  I’m sorry, we are on a date – you are not down the mine. Bring your A game you twat. Guys, it’s unattractive to be moody, say you are tired, say women are all shit. You have put yourself on a website – you want to meet women – well act like that and maybe you will get somewhere.


At this point on the date I totally  lost my patience and told him he needed to man up a bit and stop being so wittery. This of course went down like a lead balloon but he had already made himself so unattractive that I didn’t care. And the irony was that he was an attractive man facially but here’s the rub – personality matters!


The final straw was when upon splitting the bill he told me that as I had had a tea I would have to pay for that separately  and we wouldn’t split it. I was kinda disgusted. We paid our bill and the best I could say was that it was ‘interesting.’ And that everything is good material. He said I should ‘put it in a screenplay’ in a rather patronising voice and I said I’d put it in my blog. He probably thinks I’m joking.

I hurry to my car and delete his number.

Afterwards I tell a male friend about the experience. What he says makes me feel vindicated:

‘Aren’t dates basically just quizzing opportunities? I don’t understand how someone goes on a date and let’s all their crazy spill out. Clearly totally socially uncalibrated.’  Such a wry and astute observation.


So there you have it – you can’t stand the heat, then get off the website, you uncalibrated morons.

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